Tuesday Postscript

Well I am in a moment of doubt here. Not doubt about what I have to say, nor about how I say it. I doubt it makes any actual difference. This was an argument I had with Pat Smith many times. When I look back on those years what I see is myself stroking a number of other talented individuals, listening to their work and doing my best to help them do better work. I do not remember anyone who really gave a crap about my work. To me it is like standing in an empty stadium reading my poetry. That is what it feels like. The sad part is that over the years I came to blame myself for the failure. I just didn't have the ability to communicate these ideas to people. Part of me accepts that as the fact of the matter. Another part of me resists it. I just haven't found my audience, this other part insists.

Truth be told, and I am really only interested in truth, both sides of this consciousness have something correct in their analysis. I believe today that I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know I am a great poet sometimes. I know there are things written in my work that have value and a meaning that cannot be found elsewhere. And finally I know that people's lives are full and complex and essentially about themselves.

So I will write strictly for myself now. And I will follow no rules. I will say what I think is true. And if you don't think it is true, write me an email and I'll put that up there, too. Life is entirely too short to play this careful game any longer. I am who I am and there is no point in trying to be somebody else. If you read this, hang on to your hat, we are going to some rocky places. And remember, no one here gets out alive. Nor should they.

Anniversary

Yesterday was Kimb and mine's seventh wedding anniversary. We are going out tonight for dinner to a restaurant we have not been to before that was recommended to me by a serious foodie at the university. It's a new restaurant, but the menu looks plenty intense.

We did go to the Da Vinci Code last night, with Paige. We all had a jolly time of it. I liked the movie much more than I thought I would. And I thought the critics were definitely "over the top" in their descriptions. It's a great movie, but not a classic. But fun to sit through maybe a couple of times. As Kimb said, I kept waiting for it to become too talky, but this never happened. Frankly it is a story better on the page than in the theatre. There was essentially no actual chemistry between the two principals. I thought Tom Hanks is beginning to look old. But Ian McK. (whatever his name is) was just fine and dandy. As was the guy who played the crazed monk. He was truly hilarious and reminds people how wacky doodle Opus Dei actually is. And the guy who played the french cop was a real asshole, just as the part calls for.

So we recommend it. If only for the very last scene, which tore my heart a little. Of course I believe things about that religion that most folks haven't even imagined. Ah well. I am reading a book about Beowulf that posits that it is really the story of the father-god proponents destroying the Lady in the Lake and her son, Grendel the monster. He makes a good case too. John Grigsby, Beowulf & Grendel. Fun stuff.

Paige is cast as Rosenkrantz in Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, Tom Stoppard's fun existentialist look at Hamlet in the present. We've been running the lines her and I and it is jolly good fun indeed, reminding me, again, of the old Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck/Elmer Fudd dialogues from the early forties.

I take Paige back today. She is in that summer between and thinking about things. I really have to do whatever it takes to get some sort of income going here. Bob Britton did buy us a wireless router and get Kimb's box configured to drag around the house. Of course part of that was self interest as they have an Ibook that they can just turn on and hang on the local network and access the outside world.

Also Bob and Kimberly put up the new fan with lights in the living room where the old wagon wheel light had been. It looks great and works just fine. Kimb and her dad like to do some work around the house when he is here. It's funny how both Kimb and her sister Wendy are the ones comfortable in hardware stores in the Britton family.

Wednesday is our first social event with the Montessori school we have enrolled Piper in for the fall. It's called Montessori Habitat School and it has a great physical plant. We liked the woman we talked to there, Julie, who among other things was with Naval Intelligence for ten years (remind me to ask her if NCIS is really like the tv show?). Kimb went and observed a couple of classes and really liked what she saw.

And I found the ceremony from our wedding in a box the other day and read it again. It was beautiful and I say that having been the one to write it. Still, I can appreciate how I made those ancient prayers work well in this modern context. We did "elbereth gilthoniel" from the Lord of the Rings (the poem/song to Galadrial), we invoked Arianrhod in the old manner, we did a Robert Graves poem to Cernunnos, the Great Stag of the Forest. The music included "the Water is Wide," The Circle Game" (Joni Mitchell), "Greensleeves" for the processional and the old Shaker hymn, "Simple Gifts". And Kimb and I sang "Haste to the Wedding," accompanied by Ted Samsel on his squeezebox. Truth be told we stomped on it pretty hard. But we did it. It was a marvelous wedding and I hope to this day I have been true to the vows we made.

And only one person used the "P" word (pagan). Pretty good for life in these united states.

Again, I thank the Lady for this beautiful early summer's day.

I'll Remember Always/Graduation Day

Bob and Arlene Britton are in town for Paige's high school graduation (tonight at 8!). Dan and Tandy came over yesterday for dinner. We had grilled trout and salmon with a bearnaise sauce, a rather good fruit salad (melons, grapes, kiwis, mangoes), a traditional lettuce salad, and a black bean salad that I made that turned out quite well. And bread of course.

After dinner Dan and Bob played Dan's guitars (Dan is loaning Bob a guitar for his visit here). They did a bunch of John Prine songs which Bob seems to know nearly aall of the lyrics. Dan brought up a song from the first album and Bob sang it through with nary a pause. And not one of the well known ones. I hadn't heard it in years. Later Dan told stories about Steve Goodman, who he knew in Chicago back in the early days of Earl of Old Town and all that. He talked about seeing Steve and John Prine hanging out together. Steve Goodman for anyone who doesn't know it wrote one of the greatest american modern folk songs ever, and perhaps the greatest train song of all time, "The City of New Orleans." Still chills me to hear that song. Of course the Illinois Central has long been part of my life.

And Dan is a great story teller so he did a good job telling Steve Goodman stories. Steve died of lieukemia in the late 1980s at the age of 40. He'd been sick for a long time. A great loss, really. The guy was clever, insightful, and could write a melody. Dan had a pretty good story about Steve borrowing his guitar to do some songs at a club where Dan was performing. Dan's guitar was the biggest guitar you could buy in those days (Dan is like six four) and Steve Goodman was five feet four inches, so he was totally dwarfed by the thing.

Today we are thinking of going to Krannert Art Museum here. It's not large but has some good stuff. Piper has been obsessed lately by this Babar book where Babar and Celeste turn the old train station into an art museum. There are many famous paintings in the book, only done with elephants a la Babar. Very fun stuff. The Scream in particular.

Tonight is Paige's graduation at Braden Auditorium at ISU. Tomorrow I am going to bring Paige over and she will spend the next three days here.

Politics
What is interesting to read in the blogworld is that Bush and Tony Blair had a press conference and tried to sound "honest" and "realistic". And Bush said he regretted saying "Bring it on." Not to mention "Dead or alive," about Bin Laden. Well, we all agree that bring it on was probably the wrong thing to say at that moment in time, but bin laden dead or alive should be said every single fucking day. What is wrong with this asshole Bush? Why aren't we squeezing Pakistan for some serious help in catching the crazy jerk who orchestrated these crimes and this criminal movement? Don't they understand how great a relief it would be to all of us to catch bin Laden and put him on trial? They sent Moussiaiu to prison, big deal, it was always clear he was a fool and an idiot they wouldn't have trusted something like 911 to in the first place. And bin laden said so in a tape. Dont' we just look stupid and weak to these people for these half measures?

Dead or alive, man. We need that.

And while we are at it, take down Denny Hastert. He's a fat little pig of a corrupt politician. I recognize him from living in Illinois. He's a classic Illinois pol. They are by and large awful little piggy men. He's sure no Barack Obama, and he fears people like Obama. He's afraid they might be sincere.

Dan loaned me a book, Beowulf and Grendel, by John Grigsby, which posits that the beowulf story is really about the new patriarchal version of cosmology taking out the old Mother Goddess religion. So far it is a great read. I recommend it.

Anyone who doesn't read Juan Cole every day should.

Glad to be alive here in the middle. Thank the Lady for Her grace and Her mercy. Be well.

More DVC, and Karl Rove is Still Free

Tuesday in another strange week and time. My in-laws are hitting town tomorrow for Paige's graduation. The ceremony is Friday night, and I think Dan and Tandy are also coming with us. We'd like to have Paige over the next few days but that has yet to be arranged.

This is my second child to get through high school. Piper will be in the class of 2020. Which sounds very science fictiony to me. Life trucks on for us all. I remember my high school experience entirely too well. Jesuit college prep school and I was a complete disappointment to my mother and to the school. I entered, tied for first with my best friend from grade school, Pat Hotze. My little brother ran across his grave last year, in Wichita. I graduated about halfway down the class list. But I did manage to graduate. I can't say as much for college, which I have booted repeatedly and in completely different fashions.

I am re-reading DaVinci Code. I thought I might actually go and see the film so I thought I'd look at the book again. I remember the first time I read it, a couple of years ago, I was really enjoying myself until the end when he completely wimps out. This time I am noticing that he is a lot nicer to the RCs in many subtle ways. He is clearly afraid of offending them too much. Still he does say those things about the story of Mary Magdalene. I have to say I don't find him a terrible writer, as so many reviews claim. He's good at what he does, very good. It isn't Calvino or even John Updike. And it is more like Tom Clancy. Still, the plot moves and the information is given out and the characters are likeable and have your sympathy. Still, after you've read a couple of Brown's books you are essentially done. And he does weinie out in the end of this book. Making those who seek the truth into the bad guys. You know, like blaming the democrats for the iraqi war. That day will come.

I will be interested in seeing what the sequal to DVC could possibly look like. But that is what they are saying he is hard at work on. Do you think there's any pressure? After selling 60 million copies of a book, there's pretty much nothing he can do that won't be judged a failure. If he's smart he'll go a lot farther in offending the rancid theology that is classical xtianity. Those people need to have it shoved in their faces. The original story was nothing like what they have promoted in their fear of the feminine.

Meanwhile Karl Rove is still free. That tells you everything you need to know about how the system works. It doesn't. And it won't, from here on out. You think the pendulum is swinging back? Well, get ready for hate gays summer republican extravaganza. We are going to be squeezed into the fear of other people's sex lives box again and separated out, one from the other, so that the corruption can continue unabated and so the rich can get a fuck of a lot richer on this president's watch. George W. Bush will live in infamy. I saw a PBS special based on I think Goebbels's diary, with a voice over pretending to be the little twit bastard (Kenneth Branagh, actually) and he sounded so smug and self-centered. It totally reminded me of Georgie boy.

And it gave Kimberly nazi nightmares.

Well, let us thank the Lady for this beautiful place we inhabit and let us all struggle to be with the natural world and not against it.

Pot and Kettle

I have no time today. This is just a quick note to say that the Da Vinci Code appears to have tanked with the crits. I am not too surprised. The book is hack work; not that I mind hackwork, but it isn't literature exactly. My friend Ted compared it to Tom Clancy's work. And I agree, having read a couple of other of Brown's pieces. I wish I could write action stuff like this, however, if only for the cash.

Nonetheless, the reason the damned thing, the DVC, is so popular is that it gives people a way to hope that the religion they were brought up in wasn't really that bad after all. That it was hijacked by people and turned into something else. And that is an accurate perception. You can blame Paul, and later Augustine, for the virulent anti-woman strain that still dominates theological discourse in xtianity. But, looking at the muslims, you can see that this strain originates in the judaic old testament and is just carried on to its logical conclusion by these folks.

So, I still hope people go see the DVC and become convinced that things have been played fast and loose for centuries. Meanwhile the pope has finally lowered the boom on that guy who used seminarians for the last fifty years but was a favorite of John Paul's and so got to get away with it. After the pedophile scandals you can understand why people would look at the DVC ;materials and come to think the church had probably deceived them. When an institution has a long history of deceit concerning things like this (of a sexual nature), it isn't inspiring of confidence when they tell you this particular work of fiction (fiction folks) is evil and lies to you. Thhat's the pot calling the kettle black. Oh yeah.

So, here's to Mary Magdalen. I'm sure she was there for the rabbi Yeshua. And if she had his children, good for her. It is always beautiful and close to the Lady to create life. That's what a penis is for you guys. Communicating with the Lady (even if the Lady is your boyfriend folks). That's always a holy act. Even when it just you and the Universe. Smile on us today Great Arianrhod. We are your children and your lovers.

Karl Rove, Traitor Boy, Fat and Impotent

Well, I have recovered from my colonoscopy. Two polyps in five years. I'll have to stay steady on that horse. Today I mainly played with Piper and caught the laundry up and read the political news.

The most interesting tidbit is whether Karl Rove is going to be indicted, or if there is massive wishful thinking out there in leftie bloggerland. I personally think there is a pretty good chance Rove will turn out to be the main villain and be prosecuted for it. But I don't know what to make from the rumors that are flying around. Admittedly the main perpetrators are not the most agile of the beans on the left side of the counting stick. But they seem so certain of their sources. It truly makes you wonder who is manipulating who and for what strange purpose.

Meanwhile the rightwing continues to dissolve in all sorts of ways, uncertain of what to do about our Leader. Michelle Malkin proposed (kiddingly, I am sure) that the Repubs should lose the house and the senate in the fall so that the democrats could go ahead and impeach the sonafabitch. She really talks like that. She's a nasty little woman who is probably a top in the bedroom, but she gives me the shivers. Those crazy rightwing bitches, Michelle and Ann Coulter. What games are they really playing? I will bet they are not virgins. Let me put it this way, Shelly and Annie have ridden a horse or two around the ranch in their time. Probably crop in hand.

But that is mild sexism on my part. And it really doesn't matter, because they are outplayed by all the freaky deaky male rightwing commentators who are clearly not too smart and easily bamboozled, deer in the forest stuff. What are they like in the bedroom? Can you imagine Rush Limbaugh getting it on? Well, he's a bad one to pick, what with the drugs and all he probably hasn't had a stiff cock in a month of sundays.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I am thinking of making wings tonight. Last night we bought some king crab legs and had them with quiche lorraine and drawn butter. I couldn't drink, doctor's orders, so tonight I hope to make up for it. Maybe I'll buy some beer.

I hope you all have a lovely evening here on Thor's day in mid-May. I know the Lady is smiling this afternoon because, though a foolish boy, I am glad to be alive and well.

Watch Your Ass

Wednesday in another week. I had my sixth colonoscoppy today. This all started back when I was forty and I had some odd symptoms. In the mid nineties my mother died of colon cancer. By then I'd already had three colonoscopies. Also my dear friends, Rosie Richmond and George Painter had both died in their 49th year, of colon cancer. So I had plenty of impetus to stay on the straight and narrow as far as getting things checked. My last procedure was in 2001. I had one polyp and they said I could go five years. This time I had two polyps and they gave me the five year schedule again. I think that I will have that schedule for the rest of my life. But I'll be damned if I check out because of colon cancer.

So I am woozy today. The worst part of the whole thing is the day before. No food, essentially, and you drink this stuff which clears you out. Not too much fun at all. But I slept pretty well and the procedure itself is no biggie. They sedate you and I don't remember squat.

Tonight we are having some king crab legs and bread and a quiche lorraine. Later Kimberly is going to make these peanut butter cookies that have chocolate inside of them. They truly rock.

In politics there was a rumor Rove was going to be indicted over the weekend, but now it turns out it was just some leftwing blogger's fantasy. Too bad. Rove deserves prison more than almost anyone in the administration except for the vice president. Well, these guys are gonna get a huge surprise when they die and face the truth of themselves. The pain will be of such an acute sort, because it can only be experienced by being shown to have completely deceived yourself for the most puerile of reasons. Talk about humiliation. I think of that every time I read some sad rightwing screed in the comments section of one blog or another. I think, that guy is in for a terrible experience when he dies. So sad.

And the DaVinci Code opens this weekend and I hope to go see it purely to swell the numbers it takes in. I don't think it will be the greatest movie of all time and I do think it will betray the book in some specific fashion. But the book betrayed itself at the end, anyway, letting the church almost entirely off the hook. But the very idea of the Code is pissing off the xtians and that is always good to my ears. I used to know some decent xtians, but it seems like they've all disappeared, afraid of the ultra-orthodox. Mark my words, it is a very slippery slope to a theocracy and a dictatorship. And George W. has certainly already had that fantasy. You know he has. What a dickhead he is. Clearly a guy with major penis problems.

Well, I'll try and post again tomorrow. I have quite a few things I could say about the present state of affairs. But right now I am still pretty woozy. May the Lady smile on us all today.

The New Rebel Alliance

Today Kimberly is in Bloomington for a Project Managers professional event. She is picking Paige up and bringing her home this afternoon. Then Paige has to be back in Normal for a one o'clock rehearsal tomorrow. People that plan school things rarely consider the plight of the divorced parent. But I am glad Paige has her extra-curriculars and that she is good at what she does. So I adjust. Kids grow up and go away in any case, making up their own lives. I am pretty sure that Joel has never even looked at this blog, though we get along okay. He has his life now and it is a good one. And I am glad for him. I suspect I will be closer to Paige along the way, but you never really know what will happen. And that is okay.

Food
Tonight I think we will be souping. I have some great stock, so I can only wonder what Kimberly will do with it. The big news for food in these parts is that the farmers market in Urbana opens tomorrow. We will be there, for sure.

Politics
Is there any news? I think there is a conspiracy to cover up a lot of criminal behaviour in Washington. The key thing to watch is whether Rove is indicted or not. There is no doubt in my mind tha man is a complete traitor to the consitution and to the brave men and women in our armed forces.

In what is the most compelling piece of political news of the week, follow this link to a statement from a John Bircher right-wing radio guy who calls for a left/right alliance to take down the Bushies and win back the country. He calls it the new Rebel Alliance. Count me in. I think guys like this would be surprised at how many lefties are in reality somewhat libertarian patriots who just believe that the whole culture has to be taken care of and not abandoned. We're not for entitlements because we think the world owes anybody a living, but because we don't want the very young and the very old and infirmed out on the street and we want justice in the way medicine is distributed in our society.

Let's hope this is a trend on the right. They need to wake up to the fact that they have given the ranch away to the rich and sneaky.

May we all walk with the Lady this May day.

Odin's Day in May

Well, this is my first wife's 56th birthday, today. Of course, she was older than me,,, by two months! It's dark and nearly stormy here. I haven't updated in days. What the hell have I been doing? Going outside with Piper. Taking her to the playground. That sort of normal stuff. The job hunt hasn't truly started. I've had several dizzy spells this week. Kimb is working hard at the job.

Let's see. Piper fell down a pile of woodchips in the neighbor's yard on Sunday and banged into a stump, sticking out of a larger cut down tree trunk. She screamed bloody murder and ultimately had an astounding fat lip. I ended up taking her into her pediatrician, Dr. Tripathy, on Monday. The good Dr., and we love her, said there was no gum damage that she could see and that all would be well, feed her ice fruit pops. Which we have done. Nor the lip is pretty much back to normal size; at its worst it looked like it would touch her nose! Ack. She calls it her booboo on her mouth. I should note that this is my neighbor the arborists house. There are numerous great hills of wood chips around his backyard, which we are invited to purloin at any time (and we do). And he has a bunch of cypress logs out back as he is thinking of building his kids a log cabin. This is also the neighbor who built himself a halfpipe for skateboarding in his backyard. It is a magnificent structure, truly.

It seems to me that although the polls say Bush is in the toilet and the public clearly doesn't like much of what is going on that he simply continues to do what he wants and the Republicans do what they want. I see no reaction to his numbers whatsoever. Not even much of a cosmetic nature. The larger question for politics in our time is this: Have the Media simply become the puppets of their owners and the striving for nielsen numbers? Clearly if this were Bill Clinton's presidency they would have been at his throat. Because of the Republican hegemony among the rich owners there seems to be almost no real reaction to the complete failure of this regime. They mildly note it, but they follow up nothing anymore.

Weird but true. We are in the midst of a decline. The pax americana is over. The empire is just an empire of rich boys, getting what they want without regard for anyone else.

Andrew Sullivan had a piece about how nice Bush and Cheney are in private, to gays and to black folk. Even a part about Condi being straight (if you get my drift) with a transgendered professor at Stanford. But the fact is, people like Sullivan make excuses for the truly evil people in this world like George and his gang. They will make people hate each other as much as possible purely to keep their hold on power. There will come a time when the truth of these things is known to all, and then the perfidy of the Bush empire will be a stain on the greatness of America. Teddy Roosevelt will rise up from his grave and smite these bastards with a great big stick of truth. And George Bush will smile that sniveling smile and recognize that we all know he isn't the man his father was, and certainly not in the league of his grandfather (who did bigtime business with Uncle Adolf and the boys).

And there's a letter out there that apparently supports the story that Prescott Bush and his buddies (rich fucking assholes all) dug up Geronimo's bones and took them back to the Skull and Bones super secret hideout at Yale. Aren't they special? Aren't they fucking shortdicked losers? Wow these guys haven't ever had an honest boner in their lives, have they? There all dependent on getting over on someone else. That's the real problem in this world. It's not that the rich want money. It's that they want a lot more money than anyone else. It's a version of ego need. It's amazing to me that no one seems to notice this obvious fact. It's all an I am better than you game for them. And it is certainly seated in their own inability to deal with their own penises. Rick Santorum is a sort special iconic version of this kind of male. How pathetic can one man be?

Well, I don't have much else of note here. I am not too sure anyone is still reading this thing, but my ego will provoke me to keep putting it out there. Maybe I'll start talking about my friends' sex lives to see whether anyone is listening (not you, of course, the rest of them, okay?). There are some stories I could tell. Some of the people are actually dead. Unlikely to happen, however.

Meanwhile I ask the Lady for some kind of break to come my way. I'm in need of one now.

Conservative Betrayal

Today was the neighborhood wide garage sale day. We went down and helped Tandy run her's and that went pretty well. We managed to sell off the high chair, so now Piper is officially a little kid. I spent most of the morning running after her and walking around the neighborhood, checking out othe people's garages.

After we broke it up around noon we went to Artmart for iced coffee and chocolate croissants. Expensive, but the caffeine was necessary. Then we went to what Piper calls the flower store, one of the nurseries in town, and Kimberly bought some flowes to plant.

I hope to grill something tonight. Who knows what I can afford?

Politics
So Porter Goss quit as CIA chief. I read that he's torn up the agency with political agenda stuff anyway. The word in blogworld is that this is all tied up in the Duke Cunningham scandal. Apparently there were some poker parties with strippers brought in and a number of Goss' favorite lieutenants were involved. Somebody looks to be indicted maybe next week and I guess Porter is getting the President out of the line of fire by quitting the post. They are talking though that his replacement will be the general who setup the illegal eavesdropping program. Let's hear it for the Bushies.

Recent polls are showing that quit a few of the ostensible conservatives in this country are conservatives and that as conservatives they hate this administration. I may be a liberal, but one of the best things about the Clinton years was that they balanced the budget. I was always for that. And when there was a surplus I was for paying down the debt, as was about 60% of those polled. Of course we know what happened to the surplus. Bush gave it to the rich people. And the congress did that again last week, passing taxcuts they will give the richest people an extra half million dollars a year. Half a million more dollars. More.

What could people need that much extra money for, if not simply for greed and power? How sad is it that our congress, and my congressman, Tim Johnson, would vote for such a travesty? And they will tell us it makes the economy run better, but that's basicaly not exactly what has happened. I personally think that what makes the econoomy run better is a balanced budget and a better trade balance. But, hey, what do I know eh?

In any case, I am not surprised that the conservatives are just now figuring out that Bush and company have used conservatism to basically give all the money to the rich and they've tossed a couple of supreme court justices to the social conservatives, but by and large there is nothing of modern conservatism in this administration. It would be painful for them all to admit that they've been completely taken in by these guys. But one day the record will show that that is what has happened.

I expect a lot of dirty and evil shit to fly in the fall though. The Bushies cannot take the chance that they'll lose control, because the investigations will put many of them in prison, including the President and the Vice President. So they will get out there and say that lots of democrats are queers and communists and whatever will work in each and every district. You watch. It will not be pretty and they will show no scruples whatsoever. Hey, they're looking at some pretty stiff prison sentences if it comes out.

Meanwhile they have sold out the USA as a world power. We look weaker and weaker around the world. Just read the international press in the third world. The fear of the US is pretty much gone. The Bushies have made it clear that they can't get anything done internationally. The Iranians are all bluster, but not inclined to give up anything now. The North Koreans are gonna get some serious financial aid. And the only reason anyone gives a shit about Darfur is George Clooney, who of course the rightwingers hate because, face it, he reminds them what self-centered shitheads they really are.

And now they are talking about partitioning Iraq. How droll. I'm sure that will work, and everything will be jolly there in a year or two.

I suppose the only real question is Bush planning on attacking Iran? I can think of nothing that will destroy the world oil situation faster and bring on not just recession, but full blow depression in these United States. I will be going up and down my block, ringing the doorbells of those who had Bush signs up, and thanking them for creating the situation we will all be in. Of course the rich can take their half mil extra and buy gas for their SUVs and Limos. Can't wait for the class warfare that will spring up at that time.

Well, about time to start getting the Piper up from her nap. This is the first weekend in a month we haven't had Paige and I have to say, I miss her. Next year I will be missing her bigtime, when she is in Chicago, going to college. It's all separation for awhile there. That's okay though. I love my children.

And this summer I will be loving my grandchild. May the Lady bless us with Her grace, Her love and Her mercy.

"Our Borrowed Sorrow"

I sit in the office at the University, in Henry Admin Building (HAB) and delete all the email from my email account here. I delete all files on this machine that have anything to do with me. I wait for Kimberly to call and say she is on her way here. This marks another odd ending. Another strange piece of non-professional money-raising. It has allowed me to raise my daughter, though, and it has allowed us to go on participating in the middle class. What happens next? I trust the Lady to show me the way. By which I mean I will go out and put in for every job I can see and a few I can't see. Wish me the best my friends.

Food
Last night was a roasted red pepper and corn soup made with Tuesday's chicken stock. It was marvelous and tasty and a total delight. I admit we cheated a bit and used diced bacon to start the vidalia onion. But, that aside, it was a lovely and healthy dish and it went down great. We chopped some cilantro for a garnish. Yum. Tonight I do not have a plan as yet, but I am sure we will eat something decent.

Politics
There is a video making the blog rounds of Donnie Rumsfield being taken down by a CIA analyst at a pubic forum. The guy has him in his sites: Why did you lie to us? And he has a specific lie in mind. Rumsfield looks as pathetic as he actually is. Does he not understand that in this day and age your public lies are going to be right up there for everyone to marvel at? The guy has the actual quote, in hand, and it is pretty darn clear. Rumsfield is just lost, insisting that he didn't lie when it is palpable. In any case it does show what a pathetic powerless little turd the man actually is. Pitiful. History will not be kind to Donnie. Or to George either.

Other notes: The MSM, as the blog world refers to them (MainStream Media), has characterized Steven Colbert's routine at the white house press dinner as having been not funny and over the top. The guy does a mock satire version of Bill O'Reilly. O'Reilly says over the top things all the time. Colbert's just being true to form. What gets them all pissed off though is he took them down as hard as the Pres and they were all in the position of knowing he was actually telling the truth, and guess what, it made them all feel like weiners. Because they are. They are weiners. Bartcop always calls the media "whores". But I thnk that dis-respects male and female prostitutes who at least give you something for your money. The media is nothing more than a syncophantic professional regime, dictated to by the money-holders.

And we, the people, are pretty much not interested anymore. We just want to know when we are getting our cheap fuel back, and when the next sporting event is, and who's screwing who in Hollywood. I wonder if the founders ever really anticipated the level of deliberate self deceit the common man would fall into.

Meanwhile this weekend is the all neighborhood garage sale. We promised to go down and help Tandy run her house. We haven't got it together to put everything out that we have. But maybe we can take a couple of things her way and sell them. We shall see. Guess I'd better get some cash. The farmers market in Urbana starts weekend after this one. Something to truly look forward to. Fresh food. That's the ticket.

One of the most wonderful aspects of the internet age is the ability to just go and find something when you need it. I have had this poem on the mind this morning, and will quote the salient part, which I found in less than a minute online. It's from Vachel Lindsay's Tree of Laughing Bells:

“For the Tree of Laughing Bells
Grew from a bleeding seed
Planted mid enchantment
Played on a harp and reed:
Darkness was the harp—
Chaos-wind the reed;
The fruit of the tree is a bell, blood-red—
The seed was the heart of a fairy, dead.
Part of the bells of the Laughing Tree
Fell to-day at a blast from the reed.
Bring a fallen bell to me.
Go!” the maiden said.
“For the bell will quench our memory,
Our hope,
Our borrowed sorrow;
We will have no thirst for yesterday,
No thought for to-morrow.”

the Lady's Grace, ii

Yesterday I made an okay lasagna for dinner. It was a stormy night, but we went for a walk in Busey Woods in the early evening. Piper was, however, a complete handful being peeved that the Nature Center was not open. The evening past, though, and we all slept well.

Today is my last day at Tech Plaza, where I have worked parttime for two and a half years. The uncertainty is becoming a terrible burden. I have not had great luck at finding work in this town and we are committed to financial burdens greater than our income. I don't quite know what to do. My hope of outside project from the Museum died today in an email.

Meanwhile I had a long conversation with Kimb's new boss here, earlier. And it was fun, finding out those funny things about each other's families and comparing religious notes. We both grew up roman catholic. I found myself unwilling though to tell her where my heart lies now, with the Lady Arianrhod. And I wonder how keeping this to myself impacts my own heart and belief. Some part of me want to witness for the Lady, but much of me thinks the world could not cope with it.

I am proud of my belief system, and it is a hardwon drama that I have lived. Coming from a manic religion, like RC-ism, you spend a great deal of time coping and getting over the b.s. that has been fed you. You spend years un-learning things. When you finally have a chance to see clearly the universe as it appears you worry that it is, also, an illusion. It is very easy to see why the hindus speak of the Illusion and see the universe as a complex game in the mind.

So coming to a place where I acknowledge a role for a divine mind, and characterize it in any way whatsoever, took decades of overcoming my own doubts and going through a rational version of this reality. Is it correct? Does it even matter? What it isn't is based on telling/informing anyone else of the nature of the self. I can respect any religion or ideology if it in fact first embraces this act of freeing the self. The need to have people agree with you, particularly on these kind of questions, is the weakness of ego. It inevitably leads to the dissolution of personal faith. All those fundies committed to the true word of the lord and all that are at heart driven by the fear that nothing is real and that everything about their lives is a lie.

I, at least, don't have that fear. And I don't care whether you understand why I may call upon Arianrhod for Her mercy. But we should all agree that love is the one healing grace in all existence, wherever it may issue from. It is love that allows us to continue to grow and to be.

Post Last April Weekend

Coming off of a good weekend. Paige and her friend Marion came on Saturday. Paige had been up to Chicago to visit DePaul with her mom on Friday. They drove back to Normal, picked up Marion and came over to Champaign. We had a sort of extended Piper's birthday weekend. Piper got a nice dress in the mail from her Aunt Diane, my sister in Detroit. And Grandma and Grandpa called from Mississippi.

Food
Later Tandy Lacy came over to have dinner with us and the girls and she brought Piper another sweet dress. So Piper was pretty wired up with all the attention. Food-wise we did grilled salmon with a bearnaise sauce, a lovely salad, and corn on the cob. Also a rosemary foccaccio that I served with some herbed olive oil. For lunch on Saturday we did bacon, lettuce and tomatoe sandwiches. And then, Sunday morning, since Paige had to get back by noon, I got up and made scrambled eggs, bacon, and pancakes. And they were jolly good. The pancakes recipe I took from one of the King Arthur Flour Company cookbooks we own. Everything in them turns out perfectly. I highly recommend.

Politics
I haven't anything useful to say about the state of things. I suppose things might get better if Karl Rove were indicted, but the fact of the matter is the problem is George W. Bush. Never mind the toads that shore it all up, the Rumsfelds and the Condi Rices. It is the man who sees himself sitting on the throne who needs to be deposed. As much as the Repugnants wanted to take Clinton down, the Dems should be after GWB right now, for the sake of the country, for the sake of the constitution. But I am afraid it is going to turn out that we were only a step or two away from a police state after all. And it will be bitterly ironic that the libertarians essentially brought us to the end of Liberty. Thanks a bunch George Will.

Culture
Saturday night we watched another Brother Cadfael. Saturday during the day I played lots of cuts for Paige and Marion. Marion has a pretty knowledgeable music background and I got out the big books of bound rolling stones and let her page through them. Among the other finds was the original publication of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream." With Steadman's illustrations. We also looked at the bound Creems, Lester Bangs mag from the mid-1970s. While we were looking at the RS's we came upon the story about the Mansons and that prompted me to get out the Ed Sanders' book, the Family, which Marion proceeded to read quite a bit of. If one has any interest in the destruction of the 1960s hippie ethos wrought by Charlie and company the book to read is Ed Sanders.

Sanders was a veteran bohemian by the end of the sixties. He was buddies with the beats, ran the Peace Eye bookstore in NYC, published FuckYou a magazine of the arts, and was a member of the FUGs, a weird rock group on ESP records. When the Mansons were captured and charged with the Sharon Tate murders Sanders came out from the east coast and ended up living with Squeaky Fromme and Sandy Good for two years. He became privy to much of the Mansons information. So, of course his book is far scarier than Vincent Bugliosi's Helter Skelter. Sanders has all the stuff that Bugliosi couldn't put in because he didn't have the hard evidence. Sanders will scare the socks off ofyou with what he knows. Dark stuff indeed. And Sanders is a better writer than Vinnie, though I liked Vinnie's book too. I highly recommend it. But not on a dark night by yourself.

Well, time to pull myself out of this space and go back to workspace. This is mylast week at the University here and I don't know what I am going to do. But something. It will be a hard pull to the next beach, I am afraid. Meanwhile I trust my Lady to watch over me. Looking, as always, for love & mercy today.